Have you ever had an idea shot down in a meeting before you even had a chance to explain it? It’s a frustrating experience that can leave you feeling upset and undervalued. Today, I want to share a fictional story that illustrates how this can happen and why reflecting on our communication during conflicts is important.
The Clash of Ideas: A Tale of Two Developers
Mia and Jake, two developers at a tech company, were collaborating on the design of a new feature. During a brainstorming session, Jake proposed a simpler design approach that Mia immediately felt was subpar.
“We can’t ship such a sloppy design,” Mia said firmly. Her tone wasn’t harsh, but her words left little room for discussion.
Jake was taken aback. He didn’t argue further but became noticeably quieter in subsequent meetings. Over the next few days, he stopped volunteering ideas and seemed hesitant to engage with Mia directly. However, Mia didn’t notice the change in Jake’s behavior—or her role in causing it. In her mind, she was doing her job: protecting the team from unnecessary technical debt and ensuring high-quality work.
Mia felt justified in her response because she believed she was prioritizing long-term success over short-term convenience. She didn’t realize that her words had made Jake feel dismissed and undervalued. For Mia, the issue seemed resolved because no one challenged her stance again. But for Jake, the experience left him feeling demotivated and reluctant to collaborate openly.
Analyzing the Situation: What Went Wrong?
This story highlights a common pitfall in workplace disagreements: failing to consider how our communication impacts others. But before we dive deeper into what went wrong, it’s important to recognize one key thing—both Mia and Jake had good intentions. This wasn’t about who was right or wrong because, in reality, both were right in their way. They were simply approaching the problem from different perspectives.
Jake’s perspective: He wanted to simplify the design to ship faster, likely because he believed it would help validate the product-market fit sooner or reduce immediate risks.
Mia’s perspective: She wanted to avoid technical debt and ensure the team delivered a maintainable, high-quality solution that wouldn’t cause problems down the road.
Both goals are valid and critical for any successful project. The real issue wasn’t their ideas—it was how they communicated them and how they failed to align their priorities.
Let’s break down what went wrong:
Jake felt unheard: By dismissing his idea outright, Mia didn’t allow Jake to explain his reasoning or motivations.
The conflict became personal: Even though Mia didn’t attack Jake directly, her phrasing implied judgment about his idea, which Jake may have internalized as criticism of his abilities.
Mia didn’t reflect on her role: Because she believed she was right, Mia didn’t stop to consider how her approach might have affected Jake or their working relationship.
The relationship weakened: While Mia thought the disagreement was resolved, Jake’s withdrawal indicated unresolved tension that could harm future collaboration.
Lessons Learned: How to Disagree Constructively
If you’ve ever found yourself in a similar situation, here are some actionable tips to ensure your disagreements remain constructive:
Recognize that both parties likely have good intentions:
Start with the assumption that everyone is trying to do what’s best for the team or project. This mindset helps you approach disagreements collaboratively rather than combatively.
Focus on understanding first:
Instead of rejecting an idea outright, ask questions like, “Can you walk me through your thought process?” This shows respect for the other person’s perspective.
Frame your concerns around the issue, not the person:
Avoid language that could be perceived as dismissive or judgmental. For example, instead of saying “sloppy design,” you could say, “I’m concerned about how this might impact maintainability.”
Find common ground:
Acknowledge shared goals early in the discussion. For instance, both Mia and Jake cared about delivering value—they just prioritized different aspects of it (speed vs quality).
Reflect on your delivery:
Even if you’re right about the issue, how you communicate matters just as much as what you say. Take a moment to consider how your words might be received.
Encourage open dialogue:
Create an environment where team members feel safe sharing ideas without fear of being dismissed or judged.
Final Thoughts
Disagreements are inevitable in any workplace, especially in collaborative environments like tech teams where diverse perspectives drive innovation. The key is not avoiding conflict but handling it constructively so that it strengthens relationships rather than weakening them.
Now I’d love to hear from you! I’m sure you’ve faced this classic conflict before—ship faster or deliver higher quality? How did you handle it? Did it strengthen your team’s collaboration or create tension? Share your experiences in the comments—I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Thanks for sharing!
I think delivery usually plays a very important role.
One thing I usually try is to start a disagreement with sentences like:
* I would think twice before doing X because of Y
* I have a different opinion here: XYZ
They drive the focus to the topics but not the persons.
It works well in most cases :)
Item 4: Find common ground is one of the most powerful ways to get through a conflict. It is also one of the most challenging. In the heat of the moment, when you are butting heads with someone, it feels like there is none. But, there is always is. If nothing else, the common ground is that you both want to reacha resolution.