Are you struggling to speak up at work?

Finding your voice in the workplace

Photo by Ilyass SEDDOUG on Unsplash

Do you hesitate to challenge ideas in meetings, even when you know you're right? Does receiving feedback feel like a personal attack, leaving you anxious and defensive? If so, you're not alone. As a fellow tech professional, I've faced these challenges, and while I haven’t completely overcome my social anxiety, I’ve made significant strides in managing it. I want to share my journey and the lessons I've learned.

Why "Just Be Yourself" Doesn't Cut It

If you're struggling with social anxiety rooted in your brain, you've probably heard well-meaning advice like "Don't care what others think" or "Just be yourself." But if you're like me, you've found that this superficial advice doesn't work. To truly improve our social anxiety, we need to dig deeper.

One key reason for social anxiety is our excessive focus on ourselves rather than others. We must always be vigilant about our behavior and appearance, constantly guarding against potential judgment or failure. But where does this hyper-vigilance come from? In my case, it stemmed from my upbringing.

The Roots of My Anxiety

Growing up with "Asian tiger parents," I learned early on that perfection was the only acceptable standard. This parenting style contributed significantly to my social anxiety, primarily through two main factors:

High Expectations and Pressure

Since I was a kid, every A grade was never enough. I had always to pursue the next A, the next accomplishment. I was always chasing my parents' acceptance, believing I had to meet their expectations to be loved. This constant pressure to excel academically and in other areas of life led to intense anxiety and stress, which eventually manifested as social anxiety in my professional life.

One of the most damaging effects of this parenting style was the development of exaggerated self-criticism. The constant external pressure to be perfect morphed into an internal voice that was never satisfied. This manifested in my tendency to ruminate over past events, replaying conversations or meetings in my head, scrutinizing every word I said or action I took. What should have been a simple interaction often turned into hours of self-doubt and anxiety.

In the work environment, this translated into a belief that my worth was tied solely to meeting everyone's expectations. My anxious brain convinced me that if I didn't make everyone happy, I'd be fired. Fortunately, I've learned that none of this is true.

The reality is, you can't make everyone happy all the time. Sometimes, you have to disagree to achieve a better result for the whole company. Your self-worth shouldn't depend on everyone's opinion; it needs to come from within. I've had to learn to trust my judgment and develop a sense of self-worth independent of others' approval.

Fear of Failure and Perfectionism

As a child, any expectation that failed to be met had an exaggerated punishment. I was in constant fear of being punished, so I always aimed for the best grades and results. This ingrained a deep-seated fear of failure and an unrelenting pursuit of perfection that I carried into my adult life.

The education system further reinforced this fear of failure. As students, we typically have very few opportunities to prove ourselves in each subject—often just a handful of exams determine our success or failure. This creates intense pressure around these limited "make-or-break" moments, fostering an environment where failure seems catastrophic rather than a natural part of the learning process.

However, the work environment operates quite differently from this childhood paradigm, and adapting to this reality has been a crucial part of my journey:

1. Embracing calculated risks: In software development, every new feature is essentially a "bet." We only know if users will like it after deployment. This concept was initially challenging to accept, but I've learned that if a feature doesn't work as expected, it's not a failure but a valuable learning opportunity. This shift in perspective took time but has been instrumental in reducing my anxiety around potential "failures."

2. Redefining success: I've had to recalibrate my understanding of success in performance reviews. An 'average' grade often means you're meeting expectations, which is good. It took me a while to accept that you can't be above expectations all the time because that would lead to continuously rising expectations, creating an unsustainable cycle of pressure.

3. Multiple paths to success: Unlike in school, where success is often narrowly defined, the work environment offers multiple paths and ways to achieve the same goal. You can change and improve every day, not just on "exam day." This flexibility allows for a more forgiving and growth-oriented approach to work and personal development.

Learning to embrace imperfection and redefine success has been a crucial step in managing this anxiety and finding a healthier approach to my work.

Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash

Key Takeaways and Action Points

Identifying the root causes of social anxiety is a crucial step towards managing it effectively. Here are some key takeaways and action points that have been instrumental in my journey:

1. Practice Mindful Reflection
   When you feel anxious, take a deep breath and reflect on whether your anxiety is rational. The goal isn't to eliminate anxiety—it's a useful defense mechanism—but to recognize when it's not serving you. For instance, when I notice my heart rate increasing just because someone disagrees with me, I know something's amiss. This awareness is the first step towards managing your reactions.

2. Document and Analyze
   Take note of moments when you experience heightened anxiety. Later, when you're calm and the heat of the moment has passed, reflect on why you had such a reaction. This may require you to delve into childhood memories, some of which might be painful to recall. However, this process brings clarity and self-knowledge that are invaluable for personal growth.

3. Embrace the Discomfort
   I'll be honest—these aren't easy steps to take. For a long time, I avoided doing this work. I wanted to sidestep the pain of confronting difficult memories and falsely believed I was 'okay' as I was. But in the end, facing these challenges has paid off immensely. I now feel much more at peace with myself.

4. Be Patient with Yourself
   Remember, this is a journey. You won't overcome years of ingrained behavior overnight. Be kind to yourself as you work through these steps. Celebrate small victories and don't be discouraged by setbacks.

5. Seek Support if Needed
   While self-reflection is powerful, don't hesitate to seek professional help if you find yourself struggling. A therapist or counselor can provide valuable guidance and support as you work through these issues.

A Note on Forgiveness

As I reflect on my journey, I want to acknowledge that while my upbringing contributed to my anxiety, I understand why my parents raised me the way they did. They were doing their best with the knowledge they had at the time, having learned parenting from their parents. I hold no resentment toward them; instead, I forgive them for any mistakes they made along the way.

It's crucial to remember that everyone makes mistakes, and no parent is perfect. I hope that by sharing my experiences, others can find a way to understand their backgrounds without harboring negative feelings toward their parents. Recognizing this has been a significant step for me in finding peace with my past and moving forward more healthily.

Shoutouts

• How to Identify Silent Disagreements? by Raviraj Achar 

• Revealing My Passion Project by Ryan Peterman 

• 5 Frameworks To Master Communication And Influence As An Engineer by Jordan Cutler and Wes Kao

• How to do territory design in less than 2 weeks, without the fighting by Colette Molteni

• When Opportunity Knocks: Managing Unpreparedness in FAANG Interviews by Keyul Patel